If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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