I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
