Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
