I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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