My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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