Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
