he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.