...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital