No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
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Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
porn star boner night. come get it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
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But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs