I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
