Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
