he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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