My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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