So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
