Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
