he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
