he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
