you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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