My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
