Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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