just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
