porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
