If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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