Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
