Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
