he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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