We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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