he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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