nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
