I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize