Do you still have your period?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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