woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
