I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
