How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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