youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
