i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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