apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
