why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i will never coherently bang her
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
