Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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