I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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