On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You have to summon your inner elephant
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
