I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
