i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
