I faked an abortion last night.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
