it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
