Got a toothbrush?
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
