Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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