my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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