you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
