Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
