Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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