he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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