I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
