Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
