Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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