Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This baby is an asshole
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
